Freshman Year of Adulthood

In an hour I'll be 24. Twenty-Four years old. That's kinda crazy to me. I guess when I was a kid, planning all this stuff, shaping who I was, I only imagined getting to 21. Or, like going from 21 to just having kids. But things are more complicated than that, life is more confusing and there is a lot of road between 21 and kids. I have a girlfriend and sometimes I still have depression (and those things don't always mix well when you're young and you're not always convinced you know what love is). I sometimes watch too much tv and then other times I'm too hard on myself about how I don't put out enough art. When I was in middle school I had some version of acute depression (self-diagnosed). I cried a lot and I prayed to God a lot and asked my mom to help me even though I didn't really believe in God or angels. I almost committed suicide a few times (though, I guess I'd say now that I thought about suicide without any real bite to my bark; but back then it felt like an almost). I hated that I was a boy sometimes and then other times I called myself a coward for not committing suicide. I can't even imagine calling myself a coward for that anymore. I knew things had to change and so I started myself on a path. I wanted to be a chill dude, a hippie, someone who spreads love for themselves and the world. I looked up to the Beatles. So I started counseling myself. Every time I felt bad I would tell myself things will be okay and that things will always get better. I told myself, as long as I follow the path things will get better. Get good grades, love others, be honest, no matter what you feel keep being yourself in public, and always face your fears. I made a plan for myself and I knew that plan would come to fruition by the time I was in my twenties. I just knew that I'd get there and all I had to do was hold on long enough.

It happened. It worked for me by some miracle. I don't know how I knew it would but it did even though I know it doesn't work for everybodu. I got to college, I was confident, and while I made some mistakes along the way I stuck to my rules and came out exactly the sort of person I had always wanted to be. But, that was all I had planned. So, then, I started just having fun. I'm on top, let's do whatever, you know. And that was good. But now, college is over and I have another crisis. Perhaps it is not as large of one as in middle-school, but it is a turning point again in my life. Who am I and what will I be in another fifteen years. So I need another plan. Another long process of growth afterwhich I will be who I want to be again, because we are growing all of the time but like a plant if you grow yourself with care you can become stronger and healthier than if you just grow in whatever direction the sun takes you. So, here I am, another turning point, grasping adulthood to some extent and ready to move on. Ready to grow myself with care. I believe now I will strive to be the 'laughing monk'. The absurd hero. More loving and more relaxed with this world. That is the plan. Be the spiritual teacher you were always meant to be. And along the ride make some jams and have some fun, because you want experience. Then take all that experience and make art that cures depression. Because that's the real goal. Save the world from sadness. Accept yin.

I've noticed something now that I am 24. I noticed it last year a bit too. When you are in high school you go through four years of your life: freshman (nervous and naive to the point of annoyance), sophomore (awkward because you're still naive but confident that you're not), junior (emboldened by all of skills you've learned but anxious of all the work ahead), and senior (easily dealing with problems to the point of disillusionment and boredom with the system that taught you the skills to deal with all those problems to begin with). You learn and grow in each phase. I think that we are just on a cycle of repeating those phases over and over again. Like, you go through them with elementary into middle-school, then again in high school, then college or a sorts of after-parental learning, and now I am seeing the same cycle again. 23 is like the freshman year of adulthood. You're nervous, too old to be a 'young' adult but too young to be a real one. Nobody really likes you (we even see this in some popular music) but you're still gonna have a good time despite all of that anxious. Then 24 rolls around and you realize your place and how far you have still but you're still unable to strive for it. But you also realize that it's not just fun and you're a little lost. (Old man by Neil Young is all about this). I think this is true, 24-25. Then at 26-29 it's like your junior year. The ball is really rolling and it's rolling fast and you'd better keep up. Till you hit 30. You're an adult, no more room for denial now. You're on top of the twenties chain and stronger for it; until the next year when you hit freshman year of you're mid-life. Then it starts all over. So, I think, all I'm saying is I'm happy to be done with freshman year again. I have some issues right now mentally but they'll get better. I know where I want to go and who I want to be even if I don't know how I'll get there. And, if you're in this boat to, well, then wait till you're 30 and see all the shit you went through to get there and put on a smile because you're wonderful for having done it. Then, get ready for the wheel to spin around again. Cause it will. It just keeps spinning.